Commuters have one thing and one thing only on their mind, BE THE FIRST. Be the first down the escalator, the first on the train, the first off the train, the first through the barriers, the first to knock you out the way. As they partake in this highly competitive Olympic sport, the voices in their head commentate and spur them on 'And I'm coming up on the inside, smashing that child with my suitcase, taking those perilous steps 3 at a time coz I am the King of the Underground! I AM SPARTA'
No sir, you are not. You are just a man living a monotonous life where the only excitement you can exact from your day comes from bulldozing me out the way to get on the train a fraction of a second before I do, or before the pregnant lady with the buggy and shopping does; because god forbid she, oh weak female, should beat you in the race of all races!
2. The sound of couples kissing next to me
When I kiss my boyfriend it's fine. But when you start kissing and sucking and slurping with your partner next to me on the train it is completely unacceptable. The sickening sound of your saliva mixing and spreading around each others' mouth is enough to make me want to vomit all over your faces so you can swap that around as well.
Just stop.
3. When people seem angry that I'm studying them
I'm on a train, there is not much going on apart from what is around me. And unfortunately Sir/Madam, you are a part of the scenery and I want to look at you. I want to absorb every detail about everyone around me, I want to scruntinise your expression, all the lines on your face, the scuffs on your shoes, whether you have hairy arms or an immaculate manicure. I'm not judging you, I'm just looking. I'm just passing the time and noting details about the variants of humans.
Just let me look at you. I'm not perving. I'm just looking.
4. When people study me
Why are you looking at me you pervy man?! Stop taking in every detail about me, stop scruntising my expression and the state of my shoes and my nails! Stop judging me and sizing me up! Let me travel without your eyes boring into my psyche.
5. The notion that it's unsanitary to eat my sandwich on the train
For some unknown reason I never want to get out uncovered food on the train; I feel like it would absorb all the germs of the people around me and make my sandwich taste like sweat and snot and saliva. I know this is a completely unfounded thought as I'm happy to eat food walking along the street, with all manner of pollution and germs seeping into the bread. But on a train. NO WAY! Are you kidding?! That's disgusting.
I get hungry on the train, all that looking and pushing and waiting, but I musn't eat my sandwich. I've got to wait until I'm out in that fresh, fume filled air.
More to be added I'm sure.
Peace out from the travelling Elf x
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