Written by an Elf and inspired by Pink Floyd x
Monday, 23 August 2010
The Lunatic is in My Head
The lunatic is in my head. He spins my thoughts around his wooden wheel like yarn, twisting and warping them to his satisfaction. Normalcy once resided within me but now I exist as a vessel for his psychotic games. He forbids me from looking at my reflection to see a human form peer back, instead I see an entanglement of memories, forged and crafted into limbs and torso; the words and images swim and swirl before me. He exploits my past to shape my present, forcing me to live as a desolate entity with no escape. I dream of death as my strongest desire and when I'm permitted to speak I beg him to allow it. But without my susceptible brain to house his damnable being he would forever perish, and so my pleas serve only to rile him further until he bestows his ultimate punishment. He stops the clocks and propels me into timeless suffering where moments passing cannot be gauged and the past is as present as the future. His occupation of my mind therefore continues to suffocate my thoughts, choking me with self-loathing and desperate confusion. I feel nothing and hear only screams. He manipulates my movements to force my survival, a cruel puppeteer who obviates any attempt I may make to perish my withered body into the comfort of nothing. I am barely alive, hanging on by a thread he will never allow to fray.
A Story About Nothing
This is a story about nothing. This is a story about everything. This is a story that isn't a story at all. It is a vessel of empty meaning; of no consequence or purpose or function or worth. It has no agenda, it is trying neither to persuade, prove or promise anything. It is not a scandal, it is not a shock. It is a story without a hero, without deceit or deception, without love and jealousy, without magic and miracles. All it can offer you is words. Words of it's existence but nothing more. It occupies this space but does not breathe or think or express emotion. It is not a written embodiment of life. This is a story about nothing. This is a story about everything. This is a story that isn't a story at all. It requires no imagination, it contains nothing to conjure a mental picture of horror and devastation, it is blank. As this page was before this story; that is not a story at all, was written upon it.
Written by an Elf x
Friday, 20 August 2010
E-Books or E-verybody is Ridiculous
An e-book (short for electronic book and also known as a digital book, ebook, and eBook) is an e-text that forms the digital media equivalent of a conventional printed book...An e-book, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary of English, is "an electronic version of a printed book which can be read on a personal computer or hand-held device designed specifically for this purpose.
Books have been in existence for hundreds of years with many people slaving laboriously to copy written documents over and over, so that a wider audience could have access to these rare and near obsolete gems of knowledge. The process of compiling a book was tedious, parchment to prepare, scribes to write, book binders to put it together etc. Do you think that these literary heroes, forgoing their opportunity to fornicate with slave girls to compile books, deserve to have their legacy defecated on by the money grabbing goblins behind this E-Book technology.
Convenience they say. The ability to 'Read on the go' to keep up with the pace of 'modern living'.
Shut up.
People have been reading and carrying round PHYSICAL books for centuries with no trouble at all. No - one has been inconvenienced or suffered as a result. So someone please tell me, what is the point of having a digital book. You pay as much to get them, and yes they may all be stored beautifully on your ultra hip I-Pad, but I ask you. What is wrong with a book shelf?!
You don't need to have 100 books on your person at once.
The whole thing is a bloody travesty to humanity. Let us pray and hope and plead to whatever god or deity we turn to in times of need, that books do not disappear forever in favour of computer powered ridiculousness.
Books have been in existence for hundreds of years with many people slaving laboriously to copy written documents over and over, so that a wider audience could have access to these rare and near obsolete gems of knowledge. The process of compiling a book was tedious, parchment to prepare, scribes to write, book binders to put it together etc. Do you think that these literary heroes, forgoing their opportunity to fornicate with slave girls to compile books, deserve to have their legacy defecated on by the money grabbing goblins behind this E-Book technology.
Convenience they say. The ability to 'Read on the go' to keep up with the pace of 'modern living'.
Shut up.
People have been reading and carrying round PHYSICAL books for centuries with no trouble at all. No - one has been inconvenienced or suffered as a result. So someone please tell me, what is the point of having a digital book. You pay as much to get them, and yes they may all be stored beautifully on your ultra hip I-Pad, but I ask you. What is wrong with a book shelf?!
You don't need to have 100 books on your person at once.
The whole thing is a bloody travesty to humanity. Let us pray and hope and plead to whatever god or deity we turn to in times of need, that books do not disappear forever in favour of computer powered ridiculousness.
Thursday, 19 August 2010
600 Degrees of Separation
The theory goes, you are never more than 6 people away from everyone in the world. So there are 6 people between me and Joseph Fritzel? 6 People between my next door neighbour and Bin Laden? Or even better, 6 people between me and Huan Fernandez, of Mexico mustache grooming fame?
Surely these frankly shocking figures can't be correct!
It all seems a bit like something a lone, bored male, living in a remote village of the coast of Greenland might have made up on a whim when his daily routine of Xbox and masturabtion became stale. However it has now become a recognised and believed concept, so much so that they are using it for an advert promoting blood donation. What proof could we possibly have that EVERYONE in the world is ALWAYS 6 people away from EVERYONE else in the world?
It's one of those things like ' If you walk round the perimiter of London once it's the same as a disabled snale crossing the equator with a backpack on' .. which for some reason people accept to be true purely because they have heard it said so many times.
If I were the lone male with excess time who made up this ridiculous, unprovable concept I'd give myself a stern talking to and pledge to never make bogus claims again and put peoples lives in jeopordy, like blood donors. Kind, innocent blood donors, thinking that if they give blood, their husbands, students, grandmas, bus driver's, daughter will receive their selfless gift. (the actual line of links in the advert)
Go back to playing Xbox you pathetic human.
There are 600 degrees of burning flames in hell for you to perish in.
Over the top as ever. But seriously, what a silly silly claim that you are only ever 6 people away from everyone else. Silly.
Surely these frankly shocking figures can't be correct!
It all seems a bit like something a lone, bored male, living in a remote village of the coast of Greenland might have made up on a whim when his daily routine of Xbox and masturabtion became stale. However it has now become a recognised and believed concept, so much so that they are using it for an advert promoting blood donation. What proof could we possibly have that EVERYONE in the world is ALWAYS 6 people away from EVERYONE else in the world?
It's one of those things like ' If you walk round the perimiter of London once it's the same as a disabled snale crossing the equator with a backpack on' .. which for some reason people accept to be true purely because they have heard it said so many times.
If I were the lone male with excess time who made up this ridiculous, unprovable concept I'd give myself a stern talking to and pledge to never make bogus claims again and put peoples lives in jeopordy, like blood donors. Kind, innocent blood donors, thinking that if they give blood, their husbands, students, grandmas, bus driver's, daughter will receive their selfless gift. (the actual line of links in the advert)
Go back to playing Xbox you pathetic human.
There are 600 degrees of burning flames in hell for you to perish in.
Over the top as ever. But seriously, what a silly silly claim that you are only ever 6 people away from everyone else. Silly.
Peace out from the skeptical Elf x
Doubtful
Doubtful
Monday, 9 August 2010
The Sun is the Devil
When we think of hell we think of an insufferably hot chasm, where flames lick the extremities of our flesh for eternity with no hope of escape or refuge. Within the realms of life the closest comparison to this is Summer; with it's dry, sticky humidity. The air is stifling and there is not a thing you can do about it. You can only remove so many clothes and short of ripping off your skin there is no further way to cool down. The heat of Summer is inescapable; much like the devil's hellish lair.
Winter on the other hand is easily comparative to Heaven. There is choice and comfort to be found; you can infinitely control your temperature by removing or adorning clothes, layering up to keep warm or stripping to cool down.
This may seem a dark and cynical take on the seasons but there is a lot of truth to be found in my somewhat extreme analogy.
Bring on winter, I can't wait to be in my element.
Winter on the other hand is easily comparative to Heaven. There is choice and comfort to be found; you can infinitely control your temperature by removing or adorning clothes, layering up to keep warm or stripping to cool down.
This may seem a dark and cynical take on the seasons but there is a lot of truth to be found in my somewhat extreme analogy.
Bring on winter, I can't wait to be in my element.
Peace out from the overheating Elf x
Thursday, 5 August 2010
My Desperate Desire for Memory Foam
I want nothing more than to lie in a bed and the mattress mold to the contours and shape of my body. Why do I want this so much?
Is it because I spend most of my nights on a thin mattress on the floor? No because I feel comfortable and rested on said thin mattress.
So it must be because I have back problems I'm trying to solve? No my back is fine despite the old crack here and there.
Oh so it must be because the only thing on TV late it night are 'infomercials' for Memory Foam mattresses! Their blatant target audience are those poor unfortunate souls who are laying awake at night, desperate to sleep but unable to. Why oh why can't they fall asleep? What could be the problem? Ah what's this!
"do you have trouble sleeping?" YES!
"do you wake up tired in the morning" YES! (doesn't everyone??)
"do you need an answer?" YES! OH YES PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MY MISERABLE INSOMNIA...
"then buy our memory foam mattresses bla bla bla bla"
Problem solved right? No probably not. As much as I'm sure memory foam is a delight to sleep on it is unlikely to solve the sleepless nights of many of their excited late night viewers.
The only way to figure this out once and for all is to become very stressed and anxious about something, so much so that I can't sleep. Then purchase the miracle of Memory Foam.. using the spare £800+ I don't have.. and see if it makes a difference. I'll keep you updated of the progress.
Is it because I spend most of my nights on a thin mattress on the floor? No because I feel comfortable and rested on said thin mattress.
So it must be because I have back problems I'm trying to solve? No my back is fine despite the old crack here and there.
Oh so it must be because the only thing on TV late it night are 'infomercials' for Memory Foam mattresses! Their blatant target audience are those poor unfortunate souls who are laying awake at night, desperate to sleep but unable to. Why oh why can't they fall asleep? What could be the problem? Ah what's this!
"do you have trouble sleeping?" YES!
"do you wake up tired in the morning" YES! (doesn't everyone??)
"do you need an answer?" YES! OH YES PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MY MISERABLE INSOMNIA...
"then buy our memory foam mattresses bla bla bla bla"
Problem solved right? No probably not. As much as I'm sure memory foam is a delight to sleep on it is unlikely to solve the sleepless nights of many of their excited late night viewers.
The only way to figure this out once and for all is to become very stressed and anxious about something, so much so that I can't sleep. Then purchase the miracle of Memory Foam.. using the spare £800+ I don't have.. and see if it makes a difference. I'll keep you updated of the progress.
Peace out from the sleepy Elf x
The Danger of Cows & Their Secret Lives
Since watching the BBC documentary The Secret Life of Cows I have begun to realise that the existence of cows goes a lot deeper than we may think.
Entering your local supermarket and perusing through the shelves will lead you to conclude that cows and their faces are EVERYWHERE. Flicking through the adverts on TV will lead you to conclude that cows and their faces are EVERYWHERE.
THE TAKEOVER OF THE COWS HAS BEGUN!
There is no doubt in my mind that The Cows are planning an organised, underground revolt as we speak. Their monopolisation of our lives has already taken effect and their grip on society will only increase with time. Listen well for I have warned you of the cows; and awareness if the first step to combatting this global problem.
See the links & photos below as evidence and have a look at the shelves next time you go shopping...
'Thank You Cows' Muller Advert
'Made by Cows' - Anchor Advert
'Tap Dancing Cow' - Cadbury's Advert
Entering your local supermarket and perusing through the shelves will lead you to conclude that cows and their faces are EVERYWHERE. Flicking through the adverts on TV will lead you to conclude that cows and their faces are EVERYWHERE.
THE TAKEOVER OF THE COWS HAS BEGUN!
There is no doubt in my mind that The Cows are planning an organised, underground revolt as we speak. Their monopolisation of our lives has already taken effect and their grip on society will only increase with time. Listen well for I have warned you of the cows; and awareness if the first step to combatting this global problem.
See the links & photos below as evidence and have a look at the shelves next time you go shopping...
'Thank You Cows' Muller Advert
'Made by Cows' - Anchor Advert
'Tap Dancing Cow' - Cadbury's Advert
GO
So I did it. I caved and have fallen victim to the lure of the Blog, whatever that might be; I'm yet to find out! And despite the fact I'm approximately 5 years behind the times I look forward to documenting everything and nothing for everyone and nobody.
Will this be a page of hot girls, hotspots and hot topics? Doubtful, I'll leave that to the experts Love Food Fashion Peace
Will it be a page of cynical, bitter observations from my high horse? More likely!
The problem arises, and will forever remain, how do you talk about your life, thoughts and daily activity without offending, naming and shaming?! This is of course the true loop hole in Sex and The City.. why didn't any of them get pissed off with her constantly writing about their sex lives and shenanigans? Don't get me wrong, I'm no Carrie Bradshaw, nor do I even like Sex and the City that much; despite how it might seem considering its the first thing I've actually mentioned so far..
I just wonder why they didn't pick up her laptop, smash it round her head, stub her predictably lit cigarette out in her eyeballs and clobber her with a pair of Manolo Blahniks (googled for spelling). I guess America is a very different world.
My point being, I'll try my best to censor and in turn avoid attack from angry mobs.
Will this be a page of hot girls, hotspots and hot topics? Doubtful, I'll leave that to the experts Love Food Fashion Peace
Will it be a page of cynical, bitter observations from my high horse? More likely!
The problem arises, and will forever remain, how do you talk about your life, thoughts and daily activity without offending, naming and shaming?! This is of course the true loop hole in Sex and The City.. why didn't any of them get pissed off with her constantly writing about their sex lives and shenanigans? Don't get me wrong, I'm no Carrie Bradshaw, nor do I even like Sex and the City that much; despite how it might seem considering its the first thing I've actually mentioned so far..
I just wonder why they didn't pick up her laptop, smash it round her head, stub her predictably lit cigarette out in her eyeballs and clobber her with a pair of Manolo Blahniks (googled for spelling). I guess America is a very different world.
My point being, I'll try my best to censor and in turn avoid attack from angry mobs.
Peace out from the intrepid Elf x
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