You've Got to Laugh..

Hospitals can be deeply depressing places, but when you are submerged in the sickly society, humour must be found wherever possible. It's not nice to laugh at others' expense, but on occasions such as this it can be necessary to avoid perishing at the hands of the searingly painful reality that you are confined to a place which oozes death and decay from its very walls.

Take for instance my 'next door neighbour', an epitomy of everything Essex, but not the fake tan, fake boob, fake hair kind of Essex.. far from it. Her name was Shirely and she was 71 and spoke like no-one I've ever heard before 'Oooooh no, I fink I've done a poo in the bed. I fort it was just wind but it was a little bit more than that.. ooooh nooo' was a regular utterance from her mouth. In fact on the first night she arrived she did 5 accidental poos in her bed, thinking it was just going to be wind. You'd think she might learn after the first time?
And I would like to now take the opportunity to mention that in standard NHS style, my bed was probably less than 2feet away from her.. and old people's poo has a tendancy to waft...

Not only did the smell keep me awake through most of the night, everytime she 'soiled' the bed, the nurses would have to come and turn on all the lights and start banging and bashing everything around as they try and change the bed linen whilst she moans ' Ooooh nooo, I'm so sowwy nurse I just fort it was wind. Yoo 'aven't got any laaaperimiiide ave yoo?'

I'd also like to add that she felt it necessary to tell me that her 30 year old son just had an operation because .. and I quote ' he had free (3) testicles ya know! One was the size of a football!' Oh Shirely, I am so pleased that I now know of your son's testicular abnormality, although I sincerely doubt it was the size of a football as I imagine that would be somewhat difficult to walk.

But worse, much much much much much worse than dear old windy Shirely, was Pamela. The nutjob of the ward. True and complete stereotypical nutter, but with an added touch of violence and insanity. Pamela was also early 70's, with long sinewy grey hair and one lone tooth which hung from her top jaw like a tombstone. She would roam the corridoors all day shouting for 'Simon' and 'Johnny' and having imaginary conversations with them about gardening and babies, none of which made any sense. This kind of behaviour is tolerable if a little disturbing, but the other side of Pamela was the most terrifying. At random intervals she would switch temperament and start screaming abuse and attacking doctors and patients. 'YOU CHINESE C***' she yelled at one nurse as she yanked a handful of her hair. 'GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME' she would scream at visitors merely walking past her.

She also used to come into our bed spaces at night and even tried to rip Shirely's drip out her arm and another patients drip from her chest, only to be shoved aggressively away by the woman attached to the other end! Possibly worst of all she climbed into bed with another patient in the middle of the night! Now that is nightmarish. I'm just so grateful it wasn't me. (Lest I forget a previous hospital experience of another crazy lady urinating on my clothes in the middle of the night)

And what did the nurses do while Pamela was in action, while she was attacking patients and putting their health at risk...? They stood 5 or so feet away softly calling her 'Pamiiila Pamiiiila, come here please. Come back to bed'. Very helpful indeed.

Aside from these two characters, my ward alone featured a number bizarre people, from an old woman with very heavy green eye make-up being dragged backwards in a wheelchair from the ward by her husband, every night at 9pm sharp. Or the shifty alcoholic woman in her leather jacket and spotty PJ's striding back and forth on the hour with her drip stand, to and from cigarette trips downstairs (apparently they found empty wine bottles in her toilet.. scandalous).

The whole brigade of mad and somewhat interesting people at least have to be thanked for forcing me to laugh at their ridiculousness.

Peace out from a happy to be home Elf x